Adventures With Gin, VOL 1.

Over the years, I have tried many non-beer alcoholic drinks so as to switch it up and appear slightly classier than I actually am. I've had a lurid love affair with Vodka that ended about 4 months ago when I realized that I cannot drink that shit any longer. Vodka is fine but I get so fucking hungover from it. I've come to realize that a "normal" alcohol hangover can be exacerbated by a gluten hangover, and even though there is a debate as to how much or if any gluten is in vodka, I think there definitely is some post-distillation gluten remnants

That's some science shit for ya.

What is strange for me is that gin doesn't fuck up my stomach like vodka does, even though there is supposedly some gluten in gin as well. Whatever, I love gin. I love the semi minty juniper berry flavor and I'd like to shake the hand of the man or woman who discovered gin. I would also give them an ITunes card because, music is great.

     
                                                        Thank you, Small Spiderman.

So my "Gin of the Moment" (or G.O.T.M) is Uncle Val's Botanical Gin. It's a little expensive, but really, all good gin is. This gin is full of real botanicals, which is awesome. It contains juniper, cucumber, lemon, lavender, and sage, which is really cool because it is made with actual ingredients and not chemicals.

                                               
                                                       This is where cheap gin comes from

This is a smooth gin that has a beautiful taste to it. I love Bombay Sapphire, but it almost goes down too easily. I mean, you could chug Uncle Val's, but the complex flavor lends itself better to sippin'.

Also, you could potentially impress someone by ordering this gin at a bar, if bars even carry this stuff.

Try it, it's great....or come over my house, I still have some left.

Thanks.

Gluten Free Beer Review #1 Redbridge

So recently, and begrudgingly, I've given in to the very probable conclusion that I am indeed gluten intolerant. This sucks. Everything is fucking made of gluten. I can't have a god forsaken cracker without being bloated like John Goodman back in the "Roseanne" days. Even though John Goodman looks fantastic nowadays, I used to feel like shit whenever I ate a piece of bread, or drank 18 beers.

                                                           John Goodman looks sexy.

Anyway, living gluten free takes some serious dedication. I can't eat Cheerios, but fuck those, I have always loved Fruity Pebbles, which are gluten free because they are made of rice. I love Fruity Pebbles. My name is Derek and I'm here to say, I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way.

                                     
                                  Here's a picture of me at my grandma's funeral. Family Size.


So there's gluten free beer. Fuck yeah. I love beer. This means I can still hoist major brew without getting gluten sick. Sign me the fuck up! One beer that is gluten free is Redbridge, which is made by Anheuser-Busch. I had to Google how to spell that.

                     
                                            "Drink me. I'm made of mystery components."

This is a middle-of-the-road beer for sure, with kind of a weird taste. I wasn't familiar with sorghum, but once upon a time I played a game called Sim Farm from Maxis Software and I grew a shit ton of sorghum until a tornado came and killed everything. Sad times. But yeah it's a beer made from sorghum and it kind of tastes like regular Budweiser, or "Bud Fats". Hell yes. It's refreshing and has a low bloat factor.

                                                                    "Me love gluten!"

So this beer is more expensive than regular beer, but fuck it, you can be gluten intolerant, or celiac, and still drink beer and that's what matters. Gluten is seemingly in everything, and it's basically a bonding agent that, while it is organic in nature, is not entirely digestible by a good portion of the population. Word up.

 As a bonus, even if you aren't celiac or gluten intolerant, you can chug a bunch of this beer, get drunk, and not be bloated. Nice. Ladies don't dig the bloat.

Beer I Actually Like

Today I figured I would review a beer that I have not only sampled, but enjoyed, and hold in a high regard! Ain't that some shit?

Southern Tier Imperial Pumking Ale

Price: About $7

This beer is amazing, even though I'm a bit ahead of schedule. It's creamy, delicious, and pays homage to a pagan Celtic spirit, which is always fun. To get in the early Halloween spirit, I watched the Lars von Trier movie "Antichrist" and drank this beer which was pretty intense. So now, to come down a bit, I'm having a Foster's and watching The Big Lebowski.

                                                         "FILL THIS WITH BEER"

Anyway, I've blindly enjoyed pretty much every beer I've had from Southern Tier, and this one was no exception. This might be the best pumpkin beer I've ever had, it's not too sweet, it doesn't have heavy nutmeg flavor, and it gets you good and crunk like 2002 era Lil Jon.

                                                  some things that are not dead, should be

The main problem I find with most types of pumpkin beer is the aforementioned heinous amounts of nutmeg that is usually crammed into said beer. This beer has more of a caramel flavor, and light carbonation. Also, the color is pretty.

                                                      If you drink too much.... pumpkins.

Overall, I figured it was a fun idea to review a quality beer. Southern Tier is an amazing brewing company, I might just have to review their 2X IPA. Which means.... drinking.

Beer Hell Part 2

In this edition of Beer Hell I'd like to discuss Miller 64, a beer that is marketed at the active-lifestyle crowd, and is meant to be consumed while on a treadmill or a snowboard..... or something.

I bought this beer under the pretense that I was actually buying beer. Instead, Miller has somehow jumped genres and is making some sort of golden soda that almost makes me feel drunk if I drink 5 or 10 of these.... things. As expected, there's not a whole lot to this beer flavor wise, but it is nice that it's low on calories. This is a beer that you can jog with, take to Zumba, or just kick it with your dog listening to Madonna's "Like A Prayer" in your tartan plaid green boxer shorts. Interesting imagery, no?

                                                          Note the classic Casio watch


This is a semi refreshing beer that one could really rage with, were they so inclined. I will probably bring this beer next time I go "fishing", which is Irish for "boat drinking". Honestly there's not many choices in the low-calorie beer market, but I would probably go to Michelob Ultra over this, although I do like the retro logo.

                                                       
"THOR NEED TO GET ON THE STICK! THOR NEED LOWER CALORIE ALTERNATIVE!"





Overall, the more I drink this beer, the less I like it. It's got a very faint flavor that my barbarian palette cannot properly detect, and it makes me long for the full flavor Fosters I have in the refrigerator.

                                             Try Googling "Drunk Australians", it's fun.


It's summertime so this beer is a logical choice right now. That's about the nicest thing I can say about it. ENJOY!

Cheap Wine Chronicles Chapter 4

This time around we review a nice little Italian table wine with a goddamn basket attached to it!

CHEAP WINE CHRONICLES CHAPTER 4

Opici Chianti 2010

Cost : $11 (bonus basket)

This unassuming table wine is a light bodied, semi sweet Chianti with almost no finish and pretty light tannins. For some reason I was enthralled when I saw this at the local liquor store. I went in there to find a new wine to review and fatefully decided on this smooth criminal of a wine. I took my wife's last name (Gerard) so I'm Italian now, and I guess it stands to reason that I'd be excited about Chianti.

                                                                   Drunk Italian Elvis


I love red wine, especially red wine that pairs well with Italian food. I also love cheap red wine, cheap red wine that gets me drunk. This wine is "young" as hell and like, you could "cellar" it for a while, but what's the point, it's cheap, it's easy drinking, and it makes you see ghosts and speak different languages.

                                                                   This is a book!

Drinking this wine has given me the patience and courage to finally watch "Stephen King's IT." That alone makes me wish I didn't drink this wine. Wait, forget I said that.

Wine.

Summertime White Wine Round Up REMIX

A smooth summertime white wine that will get you feeling so fresh, and so clean.

Citra Pinot Grigio

Price : $6.99, generally

 Do you need white wine? Is it hot outside? Drink this stuff, baby.

I love Citra Pinot Grigio, I drink it when I'm eating granola because I'm earthy as fuck. I want some right now. This wine has a really citrusy taste to it, like Lemon Wine. There should be a band named "Lemon Wine".

This wine is good because it's cold. Other than that, it gets you drunk, so it fulfills the basic needs of summertime drinking, right?

You can drink it in the pool!

                                                (was this painting on a Snoop Dogg album?)

Try it, srsly. It's soo hot out.

Happy Summer.

Summertime White Wine Round-Up!

Here's some cheap wine ideas for those hot summer months when you are already bored of swimming (PROTIP: include wine WITH swimming, then sing "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin). Crane Lake Down Under Chardonnay Price : about $6 This is a super fruity chardonnay that is inexpensive and tastes like it has a learning disability (nothing against people with learning disabilities, but this wine is in need of extra tutoring, whatever that means.) I bought this wine because it was cheap and I needed wine. My friend told me it smelled like wet hairy coconut, which I guess is an actual aromatic descriptor, but holy fuck I don't want to hear that when I am about to consume wine. To me it was just too darn fruity, but if you are having a party and need some buffer bottles to put out (I like that term, "buffer bottles") then by all means rock this business. The cute little Koala on the label lets you know that this is serious stuff, and the pee-yellow color lets you know that you might be drinking pee. Australian pee. Charles Smith Wines Kung-Fu Girl Riesling  Price : $12 Charles Smith is a talented winemaker from Washington state and he looks like the lead singer of the Melvins.  ( He is not, as I originally thought, the talented but soft Small Forward with knee issues that the Knicks had in the mid 90's  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRFKhpMKX0E ) Kung Fu Girl Riesling is a very tasty (but sweet) riesling with strong lime flavor, and a cool label. Having a cool label is important when it comes to impressing people with wine, because you can tell people what flavors they're tasting in wine (almost like a hypnotic suggestion), but a cool label that everyone can see really puts it over the top. This is one of my favorites, even though I routinely tell people that I have a strong dislike for sweet riesling. This is a tasty, cheap, cool wine that will Kung Fu punch you with flavor. In the face. Shaolin Style. Thank you for Wine Time.