Special Polish Beer Time : Black Boss Porter !!!

Hello people, I'm not Polish but I tend to love everything about the Poles. I have tried an inexpensive POWERFUL Polish Baltic porter that I enjoy very much and if you drink too much of it you will turn into Marcin "The Polish Hammer" Gortat. Which is a good thing?

 

                                                              Marcin says "Heyyyyy"


For reals, Marcin is a beast of a basketball player, and this is a monster of a beer. I bought it for $1.99 at a local beer store, let's talk about it.


Black Boss Porter by BOSS Browar Witnica S.A.

               I stole this picture from Wikipedia, so instead of donating, I'm stealing shit from them.


I'm a frugal dude. I bought a $200 Yamaha guitar that has already paid itself off about 10 times due to gigging. I buy shoes from thrift stores (New Balance and Sperry only), and when absolutely necessary I'm a dollar menu Wendy's dude. I say this so that you have an idea of how cheap of a fuck I really am.

Now that I'm done talking about myself, I'd like to talk about myself some more.

When I saw this beer, the combination of price and high-fucking-ABV made me say "Holy shit!" in the presence of an elderly man. There are some old guys that enjoy public profanity, and some that shun it. This man shunned me, yet I did not allow him to derail my proverbial "Excitement Train". "Excitement Train" does not refer to my genitals.

                  The Beer Excitement Train is full of Demons. Drunk ones.

So this beer is really strong. It's like having Rick Rude punch you in the dick. Rick Rude was an awesome wrestler, and an excellent heel. You wanted to hate him, but he had such a killer moustache and was actually a decent wrestler so he elevated the game of anyone who wrestled him. Shit. I love wrestling.

                              There are SO MANY awesome pictures of Rick Rude on the internet.




The main flavors of this beer are dark fruit and caramel, with a bitter finish. It's lightly carbonated and is more of a winter beer. In fact I wouldn't want to even think of this beer during the warmer months, since it warms you up like a small, nuclear booze furnace in your dumb stomach.

I'd like to start including songs that I feel pair well with certain beers. For some reason I think "Alpha Beta Parking Lot" by Cake goes well with this beer. I like beer and Cake. Click below to listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTTq-3lm6ck

CHEERS

-DEREK SPENCER NATHAN COCKS GERARD

Victory at Sea BEER. and Pizza.

Notice how I capitalized Pizza in the header up there. It's that important to me.

This thing called pizza, I dig it, it gets you through life, and if you live in the right places in New York, it's pretty much a crime if you don't eat it. I've had decent pizza in Virginia, and awful barf-tastic pizza in California. From what I recall, I ate some pretty mediocre pizza in Utah, which makes sense.

Utah is pretty mediocre.

Also, beer is good, and I feel compelled to talk about a certain beer I had recently. This beer gave me power and provided me with a sense of maritime justice.


Victory at Sea Coffee Vanilla Imperial Porter by Ballast Point Brewing Company

I have long been a proponent of Ballast Point, because their Sculpin IPA is probably my favorite beer, and because they're based in San Diego, and I want to retire in San Diego. This beer is the shit, and is a perfect winter beer. It clocks in at 10.00% ABV and it will smack you in the mouf if you are not prepared for a nautical flavor maelstrom such as this.

My father has managed marinas for as long as I've been alive, and so I grew up working (and practically living) at a marina. If my dad would've let me drink this whilst installing bubbler systems and repairing docks in freezing weather, I'd like to think that my performance would've been enhanced, but realistically, I'd have been real drunk and probably would've fallen into the frigid water and died. Good parenting, pops.

                                "a good place for innocent horseplay and underage drinking"



This is a sipping beer that benefits from being poured into a proper flavor-receptacle (or glass for the unenlightened) such as a snifter. It's a strong porter but not too heavy, and the flavor balance between the coffee and vanilla is really enjoyable. It's made with cold brewed coffee, so it excels as a dessert beer, or a morning beer if you're having a day that's heavy on existential disinterest. I wouldn't have more than 2, because this beer will rock you like a Scorpions reunion tour from 1996.

            old Germans with loud amplifiers and crippling prescription medicine addictions will
                                                    ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE



Anywho, this beer is one of my all-time favorites, even if it's Slammability Score is low...... OH YEAH I'VE INSTITUTED A SLAMMABILITY SCORING SYSTEM

SLAMMABILITY SCORE: 2.5 out of 5.

I mean, you can slam this beer (I did the other night) but then you get drunk...which is fun. So, fuck it. Slam beer.

GO BEER

-DSCG-

Non-Alcohol Related Rant #1

So over the past couple of years I've become a complete cretin when it comes to my taste in the "arts" (notice my condescending quotations!!) as far as television and movies. My taste in music has changed for the better and I have a broader spectrum of tastes now, which is nice, but I have a hard time following any TV show or movie that does not involve large explosions, spaceships, aliens and also, topless aliens. This is not to say that I've become a total Michael Bay fan, quite the opposite, but the type of movies I enjoy must include either superheros and/or zombies. Ghosts are also acceptable.

So I've regressed. I don't mind all that much because I hold modern television and movies to a low standard as I feel most of them are rip offs or remakes of previous good movies, etc. I mean, I love Full Metal Jacket and I own both seasons of Twin Peaks on DVD (I ain't got money for that Blu Ray), so I do like the more avant-garde stuff I guess, but I'm also a huge sci-fi and comic book fan which, let's face it, doesn't make me the most effective critic.

Enter today's television shows. At the moment, I don't even have a functioning tv (the NBA finals are over so whatever) and I don't have HBO, Showtime ETC. I have Netflix so I could watch "Breaking Bad" if I wanted to, but I have a 2 to 3 second attention span that won't allow me to really get into anything other than "The Walking Dead" and old "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes.

My wife has gotten into "Downton Abbey" which, according to Patton Oswalt is supposed to be good. So far it's been lacking in full frontal though, something I figure every successful modern television show has nowadays. Also, there's been no contact with extraterrestrials or resurrection of the undead so thus, I am bored.

Today is hot. A good day for beer. Enjoy life.

Magic Moonshine Time

MOONSHINE REVIEW

Kings County Moonshine

About $20?

"Okay guys, let's put some pseudo illegal alcoholic beverage that's set for a resurgence, put it in a "health tonic" like glass hip flask, under-advertise it and sell the shit out of it in hipster bars!"

I think I spoke those words a few years ago, and much like how I consistently forget about the existence of New Hampshire, I forgot about my would-be plans for a moonshine company. Moonshine is back in the national spotlight after TLC or something did a show about Moonshine distillers, at least I think that happened :::furiously searches internet for "moonshine television show"::: ah yes, it's called "Moonshiners" and it's on the Discovery channel. Dang. It's about dentally challenged backwoods white people making illegal moonshine.

                                            Likes: Moonshine, Dale Earnhardt, soft foods

                                            Dislikes: Obama, shoes, teeth

So Moonshine is a good time. It has been called "Tennessee White Whiskey" because it's really kind of like a non-barrel aged whiskey. This particular moonshine has a very distinctive turpentine-like smell to it, but it has a nice peppery flavor akin to some tequilas. It packs a punch and it's a very social alcoholic drink. I had a sip before and I feel nice, warm all over and shit. It's a fun drink to share with friends because a little goes a long way. I'm thinking you could put it in orange juice if you wanted to, but other than that it would probably be something to sip between beers.

The lack of advertising on the bottle actually is the advertising. I saw the bottle and I was all like "Whoa" and I had to have it. I promptly kept it in my jacket until I drank it all. Cool story.

                                                                     "So thirsty..."

So yeah, enjoy moonshine and become hip. Or get too drunk on moonshine and fracture your hip. Whatever.

Gluten Free Beer Review #2 : Bards!

Hey I found more gluten free beer, let's review it why don't we?

Bard's Beer

Price: $12

Packaging and advertising works really well on me. The name is cool, the art on the package is cool, and their slogan is "Discuss it over a Bard's", which is awesome because it makes you think you're going to have some sort of important business to conduct while drinking. In reality, most things should be done while drinking. I finally started watching Mad Men and it makes me feel okay about casual drinking. In the same vein, listening to Juvenile makes me feel good about myself because I have a solid fundamental grasp of the English language, unlike Juvenile.

                          I would like to discuss how awesome Freddie Mercury was over a Bard's


So Bard's is a sorghum malt beer, and it's pretty good! It doesn't taste like beer, it has almost a coffee aftertaste and it's a touch sweet, but not sugary. It's really very light and easy to chug, I just had a sip of it got a bit of a cinnamon taste, weird.

 I read (from the internets) that the owners of Bard's are two righteous beer enjoying dudes who suffer from celiac's disease, which is devilish irony it seems, but not really. It makes sense that people like beer, and bread, and pizza because that shit is delicious. It's just that those foods contain gluten which makes a large (and ever-growing) part of the population sick. So, here we are today where these guys made a pretty darn good gluten free "beer". Allow me to reiterate, this stuff doesn't taste like beer, but it's very drinkable and provides the same positive effects that beer does, minus the gastrointestinal conflict. I was at a party last night (yes, I have friends) and it was nice to be able to hang with the dudes and drink "beer" whilst they chugged Yuengling.

So here we are in the bold new world of gluten free beer and it's getting better all the time. A brave new world of tasty brew that dudes with gluten issues such as myself can chug mightily. You can go totally sick-house on this beer.

                                                                             "Beer."

Enjoy!
                                                     

Adventures With Gin, VOL 1.

Over the years, I have tried many non-beer alcoholic drinks so as to switch it up and appear slightly classier than I actually am. I've had a lurid love affair with Vodka that ended about 4 months ago when I realized that I cannot drink that shit any longer. Vodka is fine but I get so fucking hungover from it. I've come to realize that a "normal" alcohol hangover can be exacerbated by a gluten hangover, and even though there is a debate as to how much or if any gluten is in vodka, I think there definitely is some post-distillation gluten remnants

That's some science shit for ya.

What is strange for me is that gin doesn't fuck up my stomach like vodka does, even though there is supposedly some gluten in gin as well. Whatever, I love gin. I love the semi minty juniper berry flavor and I'd like to shake the hand of the man or woman who discovered gin. I would also give them an ITunes card because, music is great.

     
                                                        Thank you, Small Spiderman.

So my "Gin of the Moment" (or G.O.T.M) is Uncle Val's Botanical Gin. It's a little expensive, but really, all good gin is. This gin is full of real botanicals, which is awesome. It contains juniper, cucumber, lemon, lavender, and sage, which is really cool because it is made with actual ingredients and not chemicals.

                                               
                                                       This is where cheap gin comes from

This is a smooth gin that has a beautiful taste to it. I love Bombay Sapphire, but it almost goes down too easily. I mean, you could chug Uncle Val's, but the complex flavor lends itself better to sippin'.

Also, you could potentially impress someone by ordering this gin at a bar, if bars even carry this stuff.

Try it, it's great....or come over my house, I still have some left.

Thanks.

Gluten Free Beer Review #1 Redbridge

So recently, and begrudgingly, I've given in to the very probable conclusion that I am indeed gluten intolerant. This sucks. Everything is fucking made of gluten. I can't have a god forsaken cracker without being bloated like John Goodman back in the "Roseanne" days. Even though John Goodman looks fantastic nowadays, I used to feel like shit whenever I ate a piece of bread, or drank 18 beers.

                                                           John Goodman looks sexy.

Anyway, living gluten free takes some serious dedication. I can't eat Cheerios, but fuck those, I have always loved Fruity Pebbles, which are gluten free because they are made of rice. I love Fruity Pebbles. My name is Derek and I'm here to say, I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way.

                                     
                                  Here's a picture of me at my grandma's funeral. Family Size.


So there's gluten free beer. Fuck yeah. I love beer. This means I can still hoist major brew without getting gluten sick. Sign me the fuck up! One beer that is gluten free is Redbridge, which is made by Anheuser-Busch. I had to Google how to spell that.

                     
                                            "Drink me. I'm made of mystery components."

This is a middle-of-the-road beer for sure, with kind of a weird taste. I wasn't familiar with sorghum, but once upon a time I played a game called Sim Farm from Maxis Software and I grew a shit ton of sorghum until a tornado came and killed everything. Sad times. But yeah it's a beer made from sorghum and it kind of tastes like regular Budweiser, or "Bud Fats". Hell yes. It's refreshing and has a low bloat factor.

                                                                    "Me love gluten!"

So this beer is more expensive than regular beer, but fuck it, you can be gluten intolerant, or celiac, and still drink beer and that's what matters. Gluten is seemingly in everything, and it's basically a bonding agent that, while it is organic in nature, is not entirely digestible by a good portion of the population. Word up.

 As a bonus, even if you aren't celiac or gluten intolerant, you can chug a bunch of this beer, get drunk, and not be bloated. Nice. Ladies don't dig the bloat.